Somebody said: “May You Always be the Darling of Fortune” by Jane Miller

A tab with this poem on it has been open on my computer for over a week now, because I wanted to share it with you all closer to March 10th.

Annotated a copy too.

Goings on: Geese migration

I’ve woken up underneath geese, for two mornings now. The terrible, nasal honk of their conversations, yanking me from slumber far too early. Both times I threw open the blinds, expecting the sky above to be black with their bodies. That was the only outcome for such commotion. When I looked out, the flock was gone. The fading sounds of their chaos the only proof they had even been there. A nuisance to both mornings. But, now though, with the sleep cleared from my eyes and mind, I think the geese were the sign of spring I’ve been aching for all these weeks.

Headphones: Train Dreams score + “Bleed to Love Her” by Fleetwood Mac

Bryce Dessner deserved an Oscar nomination for this score. Magical work.

Recently obsessed with “Bleed to Love Her” by Fleetwood Mac. Makes me feel like I’m in Gilmore Girls.

You’ll get a breakdown of Kiss All The Time. Disco, Occasionally. next week. As of 5:31 this evening, I’ve yet to listen to the album.

Screentime: Train Dreams + Blue Moon + Bugonia + Heated Rivalry

One week and three films into the Oscars screenings, my ambitious attempt to see every Best Picture nominee ahead of the ceremony, and I’m one film behind and have been brought to tears twice.

Train Dreams scooped me out. Oh what a beautiful film. The cinematography, the creative eye — stunning. I went in unknowing of the plot except for trains, maybe? The hazy surrealism underneath an enchanting score and made rich by the camerawork, especially in the beginning (boots nailed to a tree with moss growing out from and around the leather, young Robert Grainer crouched among yellow daisies, the hanging big fish, young Robert Grainer sitting with a two-headed calf, a boot filled with water for the dying man). The camera strapped to a tree as it fell!! This is one that will stay with me for a long time; the underdog I’m kinda hoping will somehow win Best Picture on Oscar night — Best Cinematography and Best Adapted Screenplay belong to this movie. Joel Edgerton was phenomenal, so much conveyed through movement and expressions.

Ethan Hawke in Blue Moon on the other hand, was the king of yapping and I loved it. This crushed me. To quote my father, it “felt like a play”, but I didn’t mind one bit. Thirty minutes in, I gave up the urge to understand every reference and pause to educate myself on the lives of these heightened versions of real people. Once I relinquished control, it was much easier to ride with. In this portrait, Lorenz Hart was a raw wound of a person, it was as though all his organs were exposed and he was being funny to keep you from recoiling in horror and shock that someone could move through the world like that. A captivating pain. I’d love it if Ethan Hawke just won the Oscar for this. Oh, but the camera tricks to make him appear 5 feet tall (Lorenz Hart’s height), yanked me out of the movie.

Did not finish Bugonia. Got one hour in. Not even Jesse Plemmons could keep me.

I see why you all were feral about Heated Rivalry. I get it now. Very good. I think I have one and a half episodes left. This sort of slow burn would actually kill me.

Cool things: Geoguessr

Last night, Connor came into my room and insisted that I go to Geoguessr.com. So I did. You’re dropped somewhere on Google Maps and you have two minutes to guess where you are. Very fun. You get three free plays a day.

Looking forward to: Kiss All The Time. Disco, Occasionally.

Need I say more?

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Somebody said: “What the Living Do” by Marie Howe

Goings on: Olympics end

I have yet to watch the closing ceremony, sue me; I do have a history of not finishing something when it comes to an end (see: Patriot, Reservation Dogs, Killing Eve). Incredibly proud of the U.S. women’s hockey team — true pinnacles of the Olympic spirit.

@thebriefingwithpsaki

The Briefing with Jen Psaki on Instagram: "Jen Psaki reacts to …

The Figure Skating Exhibition Gala was a triumph. Ilia Malinin performed with such artistry; I think that was just a glimpse at how the emotions of this Olympics will come to shape his skating career. Amber Glenn skated to “That’s Life” covered by Lady Gaga in a commanding, inspiring performance. There were so many other riveting and entertaining skates, please try to watch the full program if you can.

An Olympics like this — with Alyssa Liu winning gold while refusing to bend to the rigid expectations of her sport, the grit and creative force of ice dancers, Madison Chock and Evan Bates earning silver — moves beyond of ice skating. This was the argument for joy and individuality, proof that the pursuit of excellence does not demand the erasure of the self.

Making: Pansy in crayon

A little drawing from a while ago. Honestly, somewhat worried I’ve forgotten that I already shared this with you guys. I really enjoyed playing around with layering here. Tried to come close to the pansies in the garden this past autumn. I can still smell their honey perfume.

In the kitchen: Salad kit + pasta with sauce from the jar

I’m just a girl who makes her dill pickle salads using the kits from Kroger and adds cream to her jar pasta sauce. This winter was a winter with only fickle bouts of cooking something from scratch. Low-effort, easy meals have been the name of the game. Something that can simmer or roast on a single sheet pan among the turkey sandwiches and salad kits.

Headphones: Prizefighter by Mumford & Sons

Struggling against the wild you once believed your life would be and the altar of domesticity it actually became; being known and seen amidst that fight — those are the threads here. And they’re delicately wound into each song, you don’t have to travel very far into the lyrics to know this is about a reckoning.

There are the confessional, emptying of the pockets songs like “Here”, “Shadow of a Man”, “I’ll Tell You Everything”, and “Clover”. They forfeit the race and ask to be heard; admitting faults, dropping what’s been held onto for too long. Issuing both a challenge and an admission of vulnerability. “Clover” is a swoonworthy, grounded love song; taking the gentler road to reach the same spot as the titular track on Delta.

“Alleycat”, “Prizefighter”, “Icarus”, and “Badlands” are looking glasses into the past. A rootless youth filled with an ache for more in “Alleycat” — which might just be my favorite song on the album. The guilt that keeps one stalled in what once was and the resulting disconnect they feel towards their thriving career, on this album’s titular track. “Icarus” recounts a treacherous, formative love affair and the kind of self-destruction that ripens in young adulthood. “Badlands” is the desperate run to catch a train barreling out of the station; because one’s youth is over and without that high-wire act they’re unsure what remains.

And then there are the moments of witness and recognition from family — by blood, by band — in “Rubber Band Man”, “The Banjo Song”, “Run Together”, “Conversations With My Son”, “Begin Again”, and “Stay”. According to Genius, Brandi Carlile texted Marcus Mumford a poem that became some of the verse on “Rubber Band Man”, which I’d say is the height of that “I see you, I know you” conviction on this album. I envision the songs in this set as the arms reaching out to create a net for the falling protagonist to land in. Sonically these songs lift and are the most stomp and holler-rock moments on the album with choruses written to be scream-sung live in concert.

Screentime: Harry Styles on Royal Court

SCREAMED AT THIS ONE. SENT OUT THE RED ALERT. Oh man. He’s a charmer; just a funny little guy. A Mount Rushmore guest on Royal Court for sure. Brittany Broski is so freaking cool.

Bookmark: The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller reread

Returning to this classic, as no book I checked out from the library left me satisfied. You should read this. If I’m remembering correctly, The Song of Achilles was the face that launched a thousand readings of Greek mythology retellings for me — this is a choppily worded Trojan War joke.

Looking forward to: Brit Awards + Oscars screenings

Will try to catch the livestream. Most excited for Harry Styles and Wolf Alice.

Every best picture nominee I’ve yet to see, plus some of the rogues with an actor nomination or two, has been scheduled into my calendar to be watched ahead of the Oscars ceremony on March 15th. I start with Train Dreams on Saturday night. This will be an ambitious run, with three back-to-back trips to the movie theater planned. If I am to properly root for a movie or performance and want the right to complain about an upset, I’ve decided that I must be a truly informed viewer — for this year at least. Also it’s fun. Will try to share regular updates through notes. Wish me luck.

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Goings on: Winter Olympics + roaming around

Should we just jump right in? The men’s figure skating free skate was crushing to watch. Gasps abound as nearly everyone fell in their program. The weight of great expectations pressed down on every skater’s shoulders; under the hold of that pressure not a lot of joy or freedom seemed to break loose. Mikhail Shaidorov’s (KAZ) skate was the brightest moment of the event, his jumps were incredible and natural. Watching it back there’s a lot to appreciate in his timing and choreography with the music; plus, I really love how he skated to music from a Kazakhstan artist.

The highlight of the pairs figure skating was Emily Chan and Spencer Howe (USA), for me. They brought expression and drama to both of their skates; hoping they will continue competing together.

When it came to the pairs event though, nothing was going to beat Ellie Kam and Danny O’Shea’s free skate as part of the team competition. There was just some kinda magic in the air that night for them — the team medal on the line, the build of the program, the thrill of the crowd. I held every pair (including them) up to that goosebumps moment, which was unfair but true.

All of that joy in skating was alive and well in the women’s competition. There was a current of resiliency across the entire event. In the free skate especially, the athletes overall appeared to really just soak in the moment and that presence only bettered their skates. Two skates to find, because they are apparently nowhere on the Internet, are Lara Naki Gutman’s (ITA) free skate to music from Jaws and Livia Kaiser’s (SUI) Lucy Gray — yes! from The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes — medley. Amber Glenn’s short program was crushing, but she came back so strong in her free skate; pulling herself from 13th place into 5th. Alysa Liu skated with such happiness and peace; that true creative expression she has found in her sport radiated off of her. She won gold skating her way!!!

I’m still at the restaurant when it comes to ice dancing. This essay from Coming Out of my Well has been the best explainer (historically and emotionally) of sorts as to why the French team’s gold stings so much. Going Far with Layne Fargo did a lovely job spotlighting ice dancer pairs. The Nice Capades also has some great, in-depth debriefs to pour over.

Good news though, tomorrow is the Olympic Figure Skating Gala! Medal winners and favorites will skate on Olympic ice in Milan one last time. Newsweek reports that Madison Chock + Evan Bates (USA) and Piper Gilles + Paul Poirier (CAN) will be skating! As well as Ilia Malinin and Yuma Kagiyama (JPN). As I write, the women skaters have not been announced but safe bet that the medalists will be there and I’m crossing my fingers that Amber Glenn and Isabeau Levito will be invited.

I have a lot of skiing (+ ski mountaineering!) and speed skating to catch up on. Jordan Stoltz has one final race tomorrow; and it’s the men’s mass start, so that’ll be a thrilling one to watch. The women’s hockey team won gold against Canada yesterday!! The men’s team has a semi-final game today. Go Team USA!! As the closing ceremony looms, I’m coping by listening to the Two Guys, Five Rings podcast from Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

Last Saturday, Mom and I went to this art supply store downtown, The Scrappy Elephant. They sell reclaimed and reusable materials, so there was a ton to sift through. Didn’t leave with anything but looking forward to going back.

There is one treasure I must share; if you’re here, then I have to believe that you’ll love it as much as I do. This ceramic blueberry colander!!! Found it at Mom and I’s favorite consignment store. It was made by Emerson Creek Pottery, a local studio whose work I love — seriously, my eyes automatically search for their work at any area secondhand store I go to.

In the kitchen: Strawberry jam cookies + Squared Biscuit Co.

This strawberry jam cookie recipe from Butternut Bakery makes the top five of my favorite cookies; so much so that I wrote the recipe down in my little recipe book and had to hunt down the link to share. I always use Bonne Maman preserves to make these; while I’ve never ventured from strawberry, the people in the comments have put all kinds of preserves in their cookies.

For brekkie on Saturday, Mom and I went to Squared Biscuit Co. They give you little biscuit bites + honey to dip them in with your order. We split a pimento cheese + fried chicken biscuit, the butter biscuit + apple butter, and a side of hash browns. Very very good.

Headphones: Sarah Kinsley

Put together a little playlist of my favorites from Sarah Kinsley for ya. Her music takes you to another realm; somewhere soft, lonely, ethereal, and bright.

Bookmark: And Then There Was You by Sophie Cousens

Reading this freaky little book. Yelped at the big reveal that’s a few chapters in. A sci-fi adjacent rom com that’s very easy to slip into. Kinda similar to All of You (2024) by following the thread of what would you choose if you could have the “perfect” partner.

Looking forward to: Prizefighter by Mumford & Sons + spring

Mumford & Sons new album is out!! Will be listening through very soon. Expect to hear all my thoughts next week.

Daydreaming about spring. The sharp scent of soil; dirt under fingernail slivers — the satisfaction. Weaving through greenhouses, heavy with humidity and colors. Seeing the hummingbirds and bees feed in the backyard. The promise of warmth in the air. Bird calls outside the window in the morning; the frogs and katydids at night.

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I meant to write to you on Valentine’s Day, when the tulips had yet to droop and our teeth were not sore from too many sweets. But I didn’t. I hesitated; rationalizing a reason to delay. Because this was always going to be a poem. And I am cautious when it comes to sharing my poetry on the internet. I have this wild fear that each poem might be the last; like the universe is keeping a tally and I’ve hit my cap. But this poem would not wait. Not for a workshop review or the right literary magazine to take it in. So here we are, two days after the fourteenth.

In the book of love, Love

after “The Book of Love” by The Magnetic Fields

trims bangs over the bowl 
of the bathroom sink, 
with drugstore scissors.

mixes orange rinds, potato peelings,
and eggshells in the compost bin
on a bitter January evening for spring’s garden. 

scoops coffee grounds out of the canister
just after dawn, sure of where
to stop the stream of milk into the mug. 

fishes in the sweatshirt’s fabric, 
on a search and rescue mission 
for the knotted drawstring.

drags its feet down the drive
when the snowfall eases up,
clearing a path and cleaning off the cars. 

spreads sunscreen across the hard to reach 
planes of the back by the river’s edge,
careful to cover the skin underneath swimsuit straps.

submerges the somber, wilting 
heads of the hydrangeas in the bathtub
to turn time back a few days. 

reaches its arm across the passenger seat
when braking too quickly, 
believing the effort might just save us. 

Thinking about the book of love, I turned to what I know. And when I think about love, I think about my family and friends. The truest acts and expressions of love that I’ve witnessed and felt are because of them. Any romance I’ve experienced firsthand, so far, is a paltry thing in comparison. None of these moments are particularly grand or all-consuming. Most of them are quite mundane, the sort of occurrences that are easily forgotten in the momentum of a day. That’s what stays.

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Image credits, in order of appearance

Unknown Artist. Untitled Valentine (Pink Flowers and Putti), 1834. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Unknown Artist. True Love (Valentine), 1881. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Joseph Addenbrooke. True Love’s Fond Token (Valentine), n.d. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Unknown Artist. Thy Heart a Music Box (valentine), n.d. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Unknown Artist. Believe Me Faithful (valentine), n.d. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Joseph Addenbrooke. Thou Art the Star that Guides Me (valentine), 1840. The Art Institute of Chicago.

George Kershaw. Is it Weakness thus to Dwell (valentine), 1850. The Art Institute of Chicago.

George Meek. With My Kind Love (valentine), 1864. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Joseph Mansell. Be Mine (Valentine), 1845/50. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Unknown Artist. Love is a Star (Valentine), 1840. The Art Institute of Chicago.

George Kershaw. To My Dear Valentine (valentine), 1840. The Art Institute of Chicago.

George Kershaw. Gift of Friendship (valentine), n.d. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Unknown Artist. Forget Me Not Dear Love (valentine), 1830. The Art Institute of Chicago.

Goings on: Winter Olympics + dinner with Emily

I told you all the Olympic games were going to be devouring my time and brain space. The one image that has stayed in my mind from the opening ceremony is the dancing Moka pots. There is too much to talk about when it comes to the athletes.

Team USA won gold for the team figure skating event last Sunday. Ice dancers Madison Chock and Evan Bates were a major part of this win but figure skating pair, Ellie Kam and Danny O’Shea, gave an incredible performance in their free skate*; which earned Team USA seven points in that competition.

Less than twenty-four hours after receiving their gold medals for the team event, Madison Chock and Evan Bates were on the ice for their rhythm dance. All competitors had to skate to 90’s music. This Lenny Kravitz medley was high energy and captivating; I love how fierce they are.

Wednesday was the free dance. And there are many performances replaying in my mind as I try to write about it all here**. The athleticism!! The talent!! I’m fascinated by the ways ice dancers use their entire body, from their eyes to their feet, to tell a story. How you can see them reaching into themselves as they perform; all of that grit and strength it takes to make it look simple. I was tearing up after Canadians Piper Gilles and Paul Poirier’s — who were featured in Glitter & Gold, so go watch that — performance. Their bronze medal is well-earned.

Madison Chock and Evan Bates gave a stunning performance. They’ve been skating together for fifteen years and that trust, that knowledge of another, showed on the ice. They skated to “Paint it Black” with Evan as the bull and Madison as the matador. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen it, this final performance continues to hold me in a trance.

There is a controversy after Madison Chock and Evan Bates earned silver while the French duo, Laurence Fournier Beaudry and Guillaume Cizeron, got gold. Seems to be a developing situation around scoring inconsistencies, but we’ll see if it goes anywhere.

Today, the men’s singles wraps up. Ilia Malinin (USA) is leading but Kagiyama Yuma (JPN) is close behind and planning an aggressive skate apparently. Adam Siao Him Fa (FR) sits in third, I was engrossed in his short program.

Ski mountaineering, cross-country skiing, freestyle skiing, speed skating and luge are the events I’m trying my best to tune into outside of figure skating. I seem to lock in on a new event everyday though!

Back to my actual life now. Got a haircut. Went on a walk. Met Emily for dinner last night! She brought me tulips!! Once again, dinner with a dear friend proves that it can remedy most things.

In the kitchen: Ina Garten’s pan-fried onion dip

For the Super Bowl, I made Ina Garten’s pan-fried onion dip. Very good, very rich. Easy to make but a warning, as you stand in front of the stove caramelizing onions for thirty minutes you are at risk of becoming an onion yourself. The scent soaked through my clothes and dug itself into my pores.

Headphones: Cowboy Carter + MUNA + Maisie Peters

Listening to Cowboy Carter on repeat like I’ve never heard it before. New MUNA album incoming! I’ve been waiting for this!! I’m also excited for Maisie Peters’ next album this spring. Benito Skinner, of Ride the podcast and Overcompensating fame, stars in the music video for her song, “My Regards”, which was also directed by Amelia Dimoldenberg! Marcus Mumford is featured on one of Maisie Peters yet to be released songs, but you can hear him in the background vocal of “Say My Name in Your Sleep”. Maisie Peters’ voice is delicate and captivating; and her lyrics create intricate little worlds.

Screentime: Benito Bowl + Almost Famous

As anticipated, Bad Bunny was the star of the Super Bowl. Triumphant and true, impossible to turn away from.

After the Olympics the other night, I found Connor about halfway through Almost Famous so I had to watch the rest of the movie with him. Happy that it was just as captivating as the first time I watched it years ago.

Looking forward to: Poetry group + more of the Olympics

Poetry group meets this weekend, looking forward to seeing everyone. And there’s more of the Olympics to see!

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*This was the only clip I could find of this performance, please go watch it in full on Peacock or if you’re recording every event (like I am) go hunt it down on your TV! It’s worth it.

**Again, go watch as many of these as you can find. Spain’s Olivia Smart and Tim Dieck had a fascinating skate to music from Dune 2.

Somebody said: “Choices” by Tess Gallagher

A lovely wintertime poem.

Goings on: Out of the house + Grammy Awards

The snow that wouldn’t go (and remains on the ground as I type this) kept me from leaving on my own. Mom chauffeured me around some. But still, life was getting a bit too much like the chorus to “House” by Charli XCX ft. John Cale. Luckily, Tuesday afternoon we were able to free our cars and on Wednesday I made it to the gym.

Of course, I watched the Grammys. There were many moments I loved. The high-energy performance of “APT.” by Bruno Mars and Rosé at the top of the show. Sabrina Carpenter belting “Manchild” in a retro airport was a delightful and theatrical spectacle that should be happening more often on big stages like the Grammys. Then Justin Bieber’s intimate, stripped down (literally) performance of “Yukon” earned that same rapt attention because of its lack of flair. Addison Rae’s performance was clever. Gosh, Lady Gaga!!!! Olivia Dean winning Best New Artist had me grinning, please go listen to her if you haven’t. Cher’s mishap on Record of the Year, gave more space for the winners, Kendrick Lamar and SZA, to actually speak about the song and Luther Vandross. Bad Bunny was the heart of the night with his history making wins — the significance of which seemed to strike him in real-time, making that vulnerability in a moment of victory its own kind of statement — and brave, impassioned speeches.

Now, apples are great; I eat about one a day. There are tons of varieties with different levels of sweetness versus tartness. But an apple is, ultimately, just an apple. A body can’t thrive off of apples alone and even if it could, that familiarity would soon fail to bring pleasure. Music streaming apps generate hyper-individualized playlists and package them up in mixes according to mood or vibe or supposedly, genre. Everything is made for you. In a quick survey of my Spotify, I can say that the bulk of these playlists contain the same songs and the same artists. Spotify knows how I like my apples. From my rough count, about categories 8 were awarded live on the Grammy Awards telecast. There were 95 categories this year. The Grammys should be a chance for people to discover kiwis. Or some fruit other than apples.

In the kitchen: Banana pudding + eggs on avocado toast + buttermilk banana bread muffins

This is the best banana pudding you will ever have. It comes from my great-aunt Betty Jo, so thank her.

• 1 ½ cups of cold water

• 1 can of Eagle brand sweetened condensed mil

• 1 small box of Jello instant vanilla pudding

• 1 pint of heavy whipping cream

• 3-4 medium bananas

• Vanilla wafers

1. Set your metal mixing bowl and whip attachment in the freezer, preferably 2-3 hours before starting but at least before you begin slicing the bananas.

2. Mix together the water and condensed milk.

3. Add pudding, mix thoroughly. Chill this mixture in the fridge for about 5 minutes.

4. Using the chilled mixing bowl, whip the whipping cream. You want to create stiff peaks of cream.

5. Fold whipped cream into pudding mixture and stir.

6. Layer wafers, sliced bananas, and whipped cream + pudding mixture. You should get about 3 layers, depending on your dish.

Several instances of eggs on avocado toast for brekkie this week. Was I subconsciously influenced by Sara’s avo toast kick? Probably.

With the bananas too brown to be added into pudding, I adapted the buttermilk banana bread recipe from Two Peas and Their Pod for muffins — this is different than my go-to buttermilk banana bread recipe. Added chocolate chips to four and walnuts to another four.

Headphones: “The Great Divide” by Noah Kahan

I mean…hell yeah. Gasped when the music video premiered during the Grammys. Looking forward to this album release in late April.

Screentime: Platonic + Glitter & Gold + Hamnet

Really enjoying Platonic on Apple, with Rose Byrne and Seth Rogen. They play off of each other really well plus the supporting actors are funny. A silly, easy breezy watch. Ahead of the Olympics, Mom and I watched Glitter & Gold, a three-episode documentary series that followed three pairs of ice dancers ahead of the games. This is not the same as figure skating. Ice dancing has more room for creativity and involves acrobatics like lifts and throw jumps; also footwork is closely watched by judges and the partners have to skate really close together. Pairs compete in a rhythm dance and free dance. I loved being able to see behind the scenes and learn more about the athletes’ stories. Really rooting for the Americans, Madison Chock and Evan Bates. You should try to watch the Canadian team, Piper Gilles and Paul Poirier, too.

Hamnet finally came to my theater!!! Absolutely devastating, brutal, and tender. A wonderful adaptation of the novel. I do suggest reading the book first, because of the incredible writing. Jessie Buckley’s wins and nominations for playing Agnes are well-earned; Paul Mescal keeps playing tortured men and keeps slaying. Jacobi Jupe, who played Hamnet, was the standout for me though.

Bookmark: Tom Lake by Anne Patchett

I stopped reading The Patron Saint of Liars about halfway through because I could not find it in myself to pick up the book and read before bed each night. So I’ve moved on to Tom Lake. This book jostles between the past and present as a mother tells her daughters the story of her summer romance at a playhouse with a famous actor before he was famous. I see no reason why I should not finish this over the weekend.

Looking forward to: Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics

I love the Olympics. As I type, the opening ceremony is on in the background. Now some events have already begun; I’ve included one of my favorite moments so far, below. These games will be devouring my time and brain space.

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Somebody Said: “Keeping Things Whole” by Mark Strand

Last week I attended a workshop-seminar with some other poets. We focused on the work of Charles Simic and our discussion led us to this poem by Mark Strand, Simic’s mentor. It won’t leave my mind. A short and simple structure. Strong image at the start to set up what’s to come. Delicate ending.

Goings on: The snow that will not go + Flip 7

Twas not a big snow here. Bummer. What we did get was ice that has sat atop the snow and none of it will go. It’s frigid and slick. Walking across it is a strange thing. Feeling slightly stranded, just because my car can’t quite get out of the driveway yet. This weather has thrown everything just an inch off-kilter.

We’ve been playing Flip 7 almost every evening. Very fun, the stakes are significantly less than Monopoly and Mario Kart.

In the kitchen: Stewed apples + fire-roasted quinoa white bean soup

I stewed some apples for my oatmeal; partly because of pectin I guess, but really it’s a comfort food of mine. They remind me of my mother and winters when I was younger. I chopped up three Fuji apples because that’s what we had on hand and kept the peel on. Added maybe one tablespoon of brown sugar, lemon juice, nutmeg, cinnamon, and some water. Cooked covered for 15ish minutes on medium, then uncovered for another 15ish minutes.

Mom made fire-roasted quinoa white bean soup yesterday. Absolutely delicious.

Headphones: Holly Humberstone

I’ve been a fan of her music for six-ish years. I could (and I have) played her songs over and over again. “To Love Somebody”, the latest single off her upcoming album, Cruel World, is an addictive pop song. Her lyrics are melancholic and confessional but to me, she’s always stood out among the indie-pop artists because of her sincerity.

Screentime: Murderbot + The Island

I watched Murderbot in forty-eight hours — hold your horses, there are just ten, thirty minute episodes. I adore Alexander Skarsgård. This sci-fi is based off of The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells, which I’ve never read but that was not a barrier to entry. It was an enjoyable comedy that quickly dug its hooks into me. And just a very sweet show, which is a strange comment to add but trust me and give it a shot.

One morning, I watched The Island on Netflix. It’s a sci-fi movie with Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. I thought they acted very well off of each other plus Arwin from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody was in it. Good to turn your brain off. Guess I’ve been in a sci-fi mood this week.

Bookmark: The Patron Saint of Liars by Ann Patchett

Not totally captivated by this one. But it’s been a bit of a learning experience, reading the bulk of Patchett’s work. I can see how she got to some of my favorite works of hers, Commonwealth and The Dutch House.

Cool things: Bedazzling

My friends do such cool things!! Naomi Osaka does cool things! We all do cool things!!

A dear friend, Anu, shared these photos of everyday objects she’s bedazzled. I simply love it. Each item is better off for being bedazzled. The gems on the make-up compliment the tubes so well. The rhinestone stars on the lighter! How could you not smile in a photo taken by that Kodak? The charging block might just be my favorite though. Whatta way to bring a bit of fun to your day.

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Somebody said: “Otherwise” by Jane Kenyon

I went searching for a poem to share and found this one. The repetition of “It might have been otherwise” does so much. Turning the mundane into treasured novelty. Everything is sweeter in the face of change.

Goings on: Snow ready + a bit more

Fingers crossed for a big snow. Writing to you all later than expected, but already there’s some snow on the ground. Fingers also crossed for no power outages. Well-prepped with library books and whatnot.

I’m still finding my footing with these winter days. Going to the gym and getting a workout seems to be the axis of my days — the only aim is sore muscles and a clear head.

Oscar nominations are out. Very excited that Sinners is dominating — and a nom for Wunmi Mosaku!! Still digesting it all, truthfully.

Naomi Osaka’s walk-on outfit at the Australian Open has rightfully taken a bit of my attention this week. Gosh. There is so much that I love about this look, created by the minds at Nike and Robert Wun, but it all began with a jellyfish. In an interview with Vogue, Osaka says she was reading a book to her daughter and she lit up at the image of jellyfish on the page. The tendrils, pleated wide-legged pants, and gauzy veil all mimic a jellyfish in motion. I love how Osaka weaves art and sport. It’s just so lovely.

If you didn’t know, I loosely follow Wrexham A.F.C — the not-so-little engine that just might. Today, the Welsh football club lifted themselves into sixth place in the Championship League and if they finish the season there they will qualify for end-of-season playoffs to play for a promotion to the Premier League — I hope I said all of that right. We have a ways to go, but it’s exciting.

Making: Snail mail

I keep trying to write a Scratch Paper and keep failing at it. I’ve been making many things. And I will try to share some of these creations soon. For now though, I’m sending silly little drawings and prints to a dear friend through the mail.

Headphones: Laurel Hell by Mitski + “Aperture” by Harry Styles

This is one of the greatest records of all time. One of my favorite vinyls to play because each song is necessary to the body of the album.

Since I’m sending this a bit late that means I get to mention “Aperture” which was released Thursday night. Oh gosh, I love it! Euphoria and joy come to mind. Bring a magnifying glass up to the lyrics though, particularly the pre-chorus and the bridge, and there’s a realized longing to to this search for connection.

Screentime: Forget Paris

Not every romcom is gonna be When Harry Met Sally; but you might just end up with Forget Paris, which is its own spectacular thing. This movie was alive and absurd and the romance lived in the plain realities of relationships. Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee and the scenes on the court are some of my favorites. There were moments of ridiculous humor, quips & rapport, and just a tenderness to the whole movie. Billy Crystal was one of the original men who yearn. It’s on Tubi, if you care to watch.

Bookmark: Run + Commonwealth by Anne Patchett

I’m on an Anne Patchett kick and I love it. Run was an appropriate read for winter. It was a weaker echo of The Dutch House, in terms of marveling at nice homes. Sure, there are some flaws — each character was a protagonist, the friction wasn’t really there, and I wonder if the story had begun when Tip, Teddy, and Kenya were older and the aftershocks of the plot were rattling their lives if that would have given this more grit. But I read this in like three days, so yeah, I liked it.

Commonwealth is one the greatest books I’ve ever read. My second 5⭐️read of the year, for sure. Shivers. Oh I love it when a writer is tying all of these invisible strings together just so you can trip over them and marvel at the web on your back. Does that make sense? Read this book and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Sticky characters, a non-linear timeline, and several gut punches.

If I think about it, Patchett’s work does turn around the idea of strangers being thrown together, being changed by knowing one another. There’s a tenderness* and an exhilaration at the unpredictable circumstances.

Looking forward to: Big snow

Stay warm and stay safe if you are expecting winter weather this weekend!

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*Tenderness is in the running for word of the year over here.

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I’m resisting the urge to say I’ve learned my lesson because I know myself enough to know this will happen again. Those twelve days before Christmas were an all-around exhaustive, thrilling blur for more reasons than the creative leap. Maybe I needed to sorta forget about this particular art project and the context it was created in for a bit before I could write on it.

My bad art has made the jump from paper to fabric. Tote bags to be exact. Out there in the wild, in a grocery store or farmer’s market or library or on a closet floor, is a tote bag stamped with one of my designs. There are three, actually. And maybe I don’t know how exactly they’re being used but I do know who has them — not in a creepy way; the bags were gifts for friends.

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Before I narrowed down on what exactly I wanted to print on the totes, I had to do a supply run and there was much to get. I ordered the bags, 100% cotton, from Michaels; sight unseen, and shout out to people who write detailed reviews with photos on their purchases. I also picked up an additional rubber brayer, this time with a 2” barrel. For ink, I went with Speedball’s fabric ink because that’s the brand most readily available near me and there’s no heat set required.

I opted not to make this project more difficult for myself and chose three stamps that were already carved. I have more stamps than I remember carving and I keep them all in a somewhat organized gasket box. For the selection process, I followed my heart and thought about the friends who would be receiving these bags. How would they use the bag? Which prints of mine have they liked? What design would easily slip into their daily life? I went with Tinned Fish — one of my very first carvings and two stamps I’m calling Tulip One and Tulip Two.

Armed with scrap fabric and a hazy vision, I got to work. Each stamp was tested a couple of times; although this throwaway fabric was much thinner than the tote, it helped to ease into the process. In these trial runs, I learned that a piece of cardboard under the fabric gave me more friction to work against while stamping, which helped create bolder prints. I also relied on my homemade barens — a hand tool that you typically burnish on paper to achieve an even application of pressure.

Since I was working with one little tube of fabric ink, prep was important. I toyed around with the placement and orientation, using painter’s tape to block off where I wanted the stamp to go. Tinned Fish is a statement stamp, sitting front and center on the bag. Tulip One and Tulip Two are carved onto Dollar Tree erasers, so they’re very small and were great for experimenting with patterns.

I’m gonna get better at taking process photos and getting shots of the final product, I swear. Tinned Fish was a casualty of my lack of foresight but I pinky promise it’s cool as hell. On Tulip One and Tulip Two, you can see where sometimes not enough pressure or ink was applied — I love these imperfections. That’s art!!!

Tulip Two has been spotted out in the wild, i.e. Trader Joes, and wow!!! It’s weird and wonderful to see my art out in the real world. It brings me a whole lotta joy.

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Goings on: Head cold + Harry Styles

Recovering from a head cold which derailed my efforts to share more in this space. Feeling much better now and slowly working through the tasks on my to-do list. Lots happening in the week ahead.

Kiss All The Time. Disco Occasionally!!! Not gonna speculate on what this album is gonna sound like — I learned my lesson with The Life of a Showgirl. Enjoying all of the elements that we do know; so, the album cover basically. The dainty Peter Pan collar and tulips have been left behind at Harry’s House. The disco ball tethered to a nearly invisible string. Spinning and shining out in the middle of the woods. A smoke machine is going. Someone might be smoking a cigarette over to the right. Caught ducking out of view is Harry Styles, clad in a mesh shirt with the album name printed across the chest and jeans, who is slipping on mod sunglasses even though there is no sun in sight. There’s a thrilling, chaotic griminess to the whole scene. Even the arrangement of text creates movement. There’s a return to the pink and blue that defined the Fine Line era. Looking forward to this.

In the kitchen: Chicken noodle soup + celery with peanut butter + orange slices

I had some homemade chicken noodle soup to help with the head cold. Good stuff. I’ve been really enjoying celery with peanut butter. Also, orange slices. It’s giving team snacks.

Headphones: “Troy” by Sinéad O’Connor

This all began with Jessie Buckley. I saw a clip of her tribute to Sinéad O’Connor and was hypnotized. I’ve watched this performance at least six times since Wednesday and have added Sinéad O’Connor’s version to several playlists. I love how the song unfurls into this ferocious, triumphant declaration.

Screentime: People We Meet on Vacation + Golden Globes

Yearning never left but it’s back!! Sara and I watched People We Meet on Vacation last Friday. I barely remember the book but I really enjoyed the movie. Tom Blyth and Emily Bader were impossible to turn away from.

Awards season continues. I really need my local theater to show more of these movies, please. Highs of the night were Stellan Skarsgård, Hamnet, and Amy Poehler winning. Quick note, where are the campaigns for the women of Sinners?

Bookmark: State of Wonder by Ann Patchett

This was an intoxicating and startling experience. A true adventure. I had difficulty putting it down. It’s an odyssey of sorts, set in the Amazon. A research scientist is sent to track down her former mentor who is working on a new drug in the treacherous, deep jungle. My first 5⭐️ read of the year. And it’s been sitting on my shelf just waiting for me to pick it up forever!!

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Somebody said: “Shoulders” by Naomi Shihab Nye

A plea for tenderness. One I read continued to turn over.

Goings on: Charlottesville day trip + January so far

Sara and I met in Charlottesville on Saturday. For brekkie we went to Marie Bette. They give you a petit canelé when you order a hot drink which I love. We eavesdropped on stranger’s conversations, ate pastries with our protein, and I accidentally inhaled a marshmallow. Then we headed downtown to shop and wander. Added a reading (or performance? not totally sure) of Black Beauty by Anna Sewell to my vinyl collection for free because the record store owner could not be bothered with cash. We then stocked up on essentials — frozen chocolate croissants and coconut raisin oatmeal cookies — at Trader Joes. A day of laughter and 0.5x pictures.

Sleeping in too late on accident, staying up later than I mean to. Trying to rediscover the rhythm of a day after the holidays. Searching for jobs while weakly pushing through writer’s block. Going on walks, regardless of what the thermostat says. Making myself move my body every day. Thinking about spring’s scent already.

Making: Playing with crayons

Opened up a fresh unruled note pad from Dollar Tree. Dug through the art supply box to exhume a pack of crayons I was gifted by my speech therapist in second grade. Drew a blueberry too stunned to speak.

Screentime: Critics Choice Awards + Down Cemetery Road + About a Boy

Lil Timmy Tim! Amy Madigan! Jacob Elordi! The mustache! The genuine shock at the win! I need to sit down and watch most of these films! Jessie Buckley’s acceptance speech for Best Actress was very moving and made me want to go create something spectacular. The Secret Agent, Sentimental Value, and Hamnet are calling to me the most. I can say that I’ve watched a lot of the television nominees. Some people may find it silly how much I tune into awards season, watching every ceremony and filling out an Oscars ballot. Sometimes it is a bust. And sometimes the art of storytelling is championed or the underdog wins or we witness these moments that baffle and awe us all.

Mom and I finished Down Cemetery Road right before turning on the Critics Choice Awards. Whatta show! There were moments of humor and tenderness amidst the tension. A bit more grisly than expected! Delightful chemistry between Emma Thompson and Ruth Wilson. I don’t understand why Fehinti Balhoun and Nathan Stewart-Jarrett aren’t receiving nominations or recognition for their performances; they both did incredibly well in conveying and eliciting so much from their characters in a tight space screentime/narrative wise. With the acquisition of Warner Bros (which includes HBOMax) by Netflix, if Apple wanted to become the place to go for prestige television, they could.

Trying to watch more movies. About a Boy is my first 5⭐️ watch of the year.

I could write a whole amendment to last week’s thought dump on the Stranger Things finale but I think it’s best for me to move on.

Headphones: A Beginner’s Mind by Sufjan Stevens and Angelo De Augustine

I must listen to this album all the way through four to five times a year. It’s a concept album with each track being loosely inspired by a movie. When I listen, I’m not thinking about the cinematic counterpart to the song. Each song is enough on its own. There are some dark, melancholic moments but overall this indie-folk record is a magical, melodic venture into the strange.

Bookmark: Heart the Lover by Lily King

Lily King always, always gives me shivers. I’d been looking forward to reading her latest novel, Heart the Lover, for months. It was a devastating one that I devoured in two days. Maybe you’d know her novel, Writers & Lovers, which was very big on booktok in 2020/2021. Lily King has a treasure trove of incredible novels that will take you away and coax out deep feelings.

Looking forward to: People We Meet on Vacation

Sara and I are watching People We Meet on Vacation together tomorrow night.

I don’t know what else I’m excited about, but I’m sure I’ll do something fun.

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Share Me & My Bad Art

Goings on: Over the holidays

Rolled some buckeyes. Watched Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. Complained about being in the kitchen. Stood in long lines at the grocery stores but didn’t really mind. Played all of my favorite holiday songs and found some new ones. Roasted green beans. Turned on all of the twinkly lights around the house. Ate too much sugar and salt. Continued the Christmas Eve family traditions. Annoyed everyone with the digital camera. Slept until 8:30 a.m. this year. Took the longest to open my gifts. Ate cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. Fried leftover ham. Laid around the house. Drank chocolate milk when the clock struck twelve and the new year began.

In the kitchen: Eggnog bread pudding + Tom Cruise coconut cake + lemon & herb roasted potatoes with feta

From the moment this eggnog bread pudding/french toast bake from the Easy Gay Oven newsletter showed up in my inbox, I could not get it out of my brain. And I don’t even like eggnog all that much! I skipped the crème anglaise and went for maple syrup and pecans atop my serving.

The urge to eat coconut cake in the new year tugged me down into a recipe rabbit hole. A layered coconut cake with a tangy filling? Cool whip or sour cream? Maybe frosting throughout instead? Powdered sugar or buttercream or a store-bought can?

Tom Cruise came to my rescue.

I have long marveled at the myth that is the Tom Cruise coconut cake. The notion of a whole cake — a coconut one, nonetheless — arriving at the doorsteps of celebrities every December from the man who scales buildings and drives motorcycles off of cliffs is both strange and delightful. Of course, Tom Cruise is not toiling away in his kitchen and standing in line at the post office with boxes of cakes. The cakes come from Doan’s Bakery in LA, in what I’m guessing is a standing order each holiday season with a recipient list that’s updated by an assistant every time Tom Cruise signs on to another movie. Maybe this makes it all a bit less magical but I’d still love to have my name added to that list.

The cake is a coconut and white chocolate bundt cake. The texture and heft sorta reminds me of pound cake. The frosting has cream cheese and powdered sugar; the tang works well with the rich cake.

There are several copycat recipes out there, but I used this one from Hummingbird High. You really do need a 12-cup capacity bundt pan. Be sure to use coconut extract, not imitation coconut. Finely chop the white chocolate, it is visible in the baked cake. Spray or butter the bundt pan right before you pour in the batter, make sure to get all the nooks and crannies. I was very generous with the baking spray and my cake came out of the pan without a problem. You probably don’t need to toast the shredded coconut. My cake truly did look goopy and terrible before I covered it in shredded coconut. I took two days to make this. Baking the cake and toasting the shredded coconut on New Year’s Eve. I stored the unfrosted cake in an airtight cake carrier on the kitchen counter overnight. I’m keeping my frosted cake in the fridge because it’s a cream cheese frosting; also, I prefer my cake cold.

It was worth the work and nerves. I’m probably going to be baking this one for many New Years to come.

Lemon & herb roasted potatoes with feta are my new obsession. Literally just cut some potatoes (I prefer a yellow potato but honestly it’s not that deep). Drizzle with olive oil and lemon juice (fresh is great but I’ve also used bottled and it’s still delicious). Add salt, pepper, and thyme (I’ve been using fresh but only because it was already in the house). Bake at 425℉ for 25-30 minutes. I’ve layered the potatoes atop greek yogurt for extra protein when this was my whole dinner and I’ve just eaten them on their own as a side. Pour a bit more lemon juice atop the potatoes then sprinkle feta and add a drizzle of honey. Enjoy.

Headphones: No words new to me

Listening to this playlist as I write.

Screentime: A Complete Unknown + When Harry Met Sally New Year’s rewatch + PLL + Stranger Things finale

Finally watched A Complete Unknown. I liked it. Turned me into more of a Johnny Cash, Joan Baez, and Woody Guthrie fan. Lil Timmy Tim really is in pursuit of greatness.

Well, I didn’t watch all the movies in my list. Two out of three versions of the Grinch were seen. Klaus was incredible and will be making a return to my Christmas movies list. Oh. What. Fun. was enjoyable. The family watches Elf every Christmas Eve. Most importantly though, I rewatched When Harry Met Sally to mark the new year.

Rejoice! I have completed my Pretty Little Liars rewatch so you don’t have to hear about that anymore. Absolutely insane. I loved it. The impact of the glorified soap operas for teenagers that came out in the 2010s on the CW and Freeform should be discussed more.

Stranger Things finale. Spoilers ahead, so Emily and everyone else who has not watched skip to the next paragraph or just come back to this email when you have finished. Still processing. I really really loved how the show ended where it began. Mike’s storytelling to the party was so beautiful. A bit heavy on the flashbacks and the integration of music into scenes was not as smooth in the finale. Maybe it’s silly to think that for the most part the characters got a “happy ending” — call me silly, then. The rewatch is continuing because I’m not ready to be done with this show yet.

Bookmark: Orbital by Samantha Harvey

Drenched in stunning, poetic prose. Very reflective. I’m finding it very calming to read. I actually read two other books since the last Dog-eared but I’ll fill you in later.

Looking forward to: Seeing Sara + carving in process

Plans to see Sara on Saturday. Who wouldn’t be excited about that?

Also working on a new block print.

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There’s an aimlessness to these murky days at the end of December. Time that is easily filled at any other part of the year, suspends. Holiday lights glow. The tree has begun to droop. Sugar and salt coat the tongue. Winter’s severity glares from the other side of the window; dead grass and bare branches prodding the air. That funny feeling has come around again, but at this time of year I know my door isn’t the only one with knuckles rapping against it.

Someone insisted we must use this time to reflect on the months past and ready ourselves to be better on this next orbit around the sun. New Year’s resolutions shared over dinner with friends or scrawled in diaries are part of the past. A private commitment, a glimpse in the mirror on one’s own is no fun. Where’s the proof? Now there are a myriad of ways to show that you’re ruminating on the last year and seeking a greater you in the next. We have declarations to make on what’s in and what’s out. Essays to read on how to be [insert pleasant adjective] in 2026. Rosy recaps, cleverly filled with the unshared photos of nothing new, to post. Manifestation exercises that vow results to complete. Recollections of accomplishments to share, with puffed-out chests like grouses trying to attract a mate.

Daunted by the prospect of another year, another round of uncertainty and chaos, these reflections and resolutions are the chutes we barricade around ourselves to safely ferry us into the new year. Look at what I’ve done and look at what I aim to do squeeze us, gentle as a mother, while we trod into the unknown of another year.

Since May, I’ve come around once or twice a week, tossing pebbles at your windowpane. Taking up your attention with my feelings and anxieties and inward turns. Holding up the book I’ve read or the art I’ve made or a cake I baked or playing you the song I heard. Rambling about poetry and telling you stories. Reminding you, and myself, that I am here!

I wonder how or if I am any different from the acts I just lambasted. Signal flares in a dark sky. A shout in the belly of a cave, calling back to itself. Maybe I’m not.

I keep missing the goals I set up for myself in my early twenties. Those big ideas I had come back with a sting. Maybe they lend some perspective, but they never save me. There’s a sharp difference in appearance between the futures I imagined and the realities I’m facing. I don’t want to narrow down my year into one word or a carousel of photos. I don’t want to rig the next year with hurdles and hoops to contort through. So much of what has worked out happened outside of those goals that turned into obstacles. I sink. I disappoint myself. I surprise myself. I show up in some ways. I fall through in others. I attempt consistency. I discover.

I can’t find comfort looking through the zoomed out scope of what I’ve done and the blurry lens of what I aim to do. That chute pinches and suffocates. The barricade has never been there to shepherd me through March or May or July or September. I can’t believe that the promises and reflections made in haste, under the stare of a new year, amount to a greater sum than the work done in the slow orbit.

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Goings on: Dinner with Emily + winter days

Emily and I grabbed dinner on Wednesday! We went to Three Notch’d and split some brussels sprouts, truffle fries, and mac’n cheese. Afterwards we meandered the halls of a historic hotel, taking in the Christmas trees on display and laughing.

Trying to enjoy these winter days where the house is aglow with lights. Eating one too many sweet treats. Sleeping in and listening to my body. Burrowing into the comforts of family, favorite movies, and a good book. The cold still manages to cut through the layers and the branches are bare but the pulse of what it is to be alive hammers on.

In the kitchen: Holiday cookie boxes

Twas a very very limited number but I baked and shipped off cookie boxes this year! With absolutely no practice ahead of time and lot’s of life stuff happening, this was a near treacherous endeavor. Somehow it was pulled off and three kinds of cookies were baked in one day. My focus honed in on the recipes and tasks at hand, swapping one chaos for a lesser chaos that at least came with sugar.

There was no aesthetically pleasing photoshoot of the end product — in fact I have no pictures at all of the third cookie. The priorities were cramming as many cookies as I could into the packages and making sure they stayed fresh so I used tupperware to store them; there was not a Christmassy tin or artful window treat box in sight. This small batch of cookie boxes had two goals: taste yummy and bring joy.

Since I was sending a majority of these boxes through the mail, I tried to stick to sturdy cookies. “Sturdy” as in shelf-stablish in case of shipping delays and no dainty piping. There also had to be some distinctly Jessica elements to these cookies though. That’s how I came to these recipes: a challenge, a classic, and chocolate.

Let’s get to it.

A challenge: Cardamom Pinwheels

I turned to Claire Saffitz for these and you should too.

Ingredients:

• ¾ cup demerara sugar (50g)

• ½ tsp. ground cardamom

• Pinch of kosher salt

• 9 sheets frozen phyllo dough measuring 18 × 13 inches, thawed overnight in the refrigerator

• 10 Tbsp. unsalted butter (142g), melted

Phyllo is the trickiest, most aggravating thing!! My sheets kept ripping so my spirals weren’t super tight, which may have been why the sugar and butter spread out from the cookies. They were still yummy!! But next time, for my sanity, I think I might make these as bars instead.

A classic: Toffee and pecan brown butter shortbreads

2025 was the year of the brown butter shortbread, for me at least. I turn to this recipe from How Sweet Eats for the base. These cookies are classics that keep on reinventing themselves through all the possible flavor combinations: chocolate with candied orange bits or orange zest, white chocolate and crushed candy canes, dark chocolate and pistachio, white chocolate and macadamia nut, funfetti, and so much more. I stuck with toffee and pecan for this round.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup unsalted butter

• ½ cup loosely packed brown sugar

• ¼ cup sugar

• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

• 2 cups all-purpose flour

• Filling of your choice — I must be honest with you all now, I do not measure these out. Ever. I follow my heart. Adding white chocolate or toffee or pecan or pistachios until I am pleased.

Brown the butter by melting it in a saucepan over medium heat. You want it to bubble. Whisk and wait until you see golden brown bits at the bottom. Remove from heat and let it get cold. You need the butter to harden, so do this at least 3-4 hours before you make the dough. I usually let it sit overnight. Next, add the cold butter to a stand mixer and beat on medium speed. Add in the sugars plus 2 tablespoons of water, to compensate for water loss from browning the butter. Add vanilla extract and beat until combined. Add flour, beating until just combined. Beat in the filling, yes, whatever it is may get a bit crushed up and that’s fine. Then remove the ball of dough and set onto wax paper. Split the dough into two pieces and roll each into a log that’s about 2 inches thick. Tightly wrap each log in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours. Unroll and slice at desired thickness, I try for ½ an inch or so. Cut gently and push back together if the circles break apart. Set at least 2 inches apart on a baking sheet, typically these cookies don’t spread out much. Bake at 350℉ for 10-12 minutes, until slightly golden.

And chocolate: Chocolate brownie cookies

This super chocolatey and quick to make recipe was found in a Kroger coupon catalog.

Ingredients:

• 1 box (18.3 oz) of fudge brownie mix

• ½ cup of unsalted butter, melted

• 1 large egg

• 1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips

Beat dry brownie mix (completely ignore what the box says), melted butter, and egg in a medium bowl with a hand mixer. Then fold in the chocolate chips. Dough will be thick, you may believe something’s gone wrong but it has not. Scoop onto a baking sheet (1 ½ inch scoops or just follow your heart) at least one inch apart. Flatten slightly with the back of the spoon, you can add flaky salt here if desired. Bake at 350℉ for 10-15 minutes. Edges should be set and centers no longer looking wet. Let cool on the baking sheet before moving to the cooling rack.

Headphones: Soundtrack for a made up winter movie as promised

Maybe I succeeded! Maybe this is just a gathering of songs that only makes sense to me! If this truly was a soundtrack it’d be one of the longest movies ever.

Screentime: Jingle Bell Heist + Battle of the Sexes + Christmas movie list

Sara and I watched Jingle Bell Heist, those two characters were very clearly not prepared for such a task. Battle of the Sexes was alright, I walked away wanting to know more about Billie Jean King. Since The Grinch (2018) is playing as I write this missive, I figured I’d share my Christmas movie list. Giving myself till January 2nd to work through these!

Bookmark: A Marriage At Sea by Sophie Elmhirst

This was a good one. Captivating, intense, and true. In the 1970s, an English couple, Maurice and Maralyn Bailey, embarked from Southampton on a voyage to New Zealand. Just the two of them crewed their 31-foot yacht, Auralynn. In a spectacular horror, a whale cracks the hull of the Auralynn, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. With no radio and limited provisions, Maralyn and Maurice are adrift. I don’t really wanna reveal anything else, but I really enjoyed this!

Looking forward to: Christmas + more newsletters

Some baking to do, movies to see, and books to read!

The work has been done for two editions of Scratch Paper, now I just have to write about it. There’s also an essay possibly coming together in my head. We’ll see what the next few days bring. Thank you for reading and happy holidays!

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Somebody said: “You Think You Are Something Less Real Than You Are” by Wendy Xu

Still figuring this one out but wanted to share.

Goings on: Snow days + holiday decorations

December is passing by too quickly. Last Friday, I went on a walk alone in the snow. There was no need for caution along the salted road, but I still took my time. The terrain I see every day had been turned strange and magical. The bare limbs of the trees stripped by the cold appeared delicate and soft under their winter coats. Just a few days before, I had found those same limbs sharp and jarring, like looking back at past mistakes. Winter’s sting is an exhilaration. One red-bellied woodpecker called out to another. The branches of the evergreens hung low and heavy with snow; batting against the ground. I thought about old friends and snow days past. And I thought about how sometimes, change is as unremarkable as the world turning.

The holiday decorations are up. There’s been a return to a holiday ritual: every evening Mom and I go around the house turning on the flameless candles and lights set up around the house. It’s so lovely and cozy.

Headphones: Wicked (Original Broadway Cast Recording) + Sufjan Stevens but Christmas

The original recording of “Defying Gravity” has been on a loop lately.

Trying to put together a made-up winter movie playlist — the closest I’ve come to becoming Nancy Meyers so far. If I can pull it together, I’ll share next week. In the meantime, here is some Sufjan Stevens but Christmas for ya.

Screentime: Down Cemetery Road + Stranger Things rewatch + PLL

Mom and I started Down Cemetery Road on Apple the other day. Who doesn’t love Emma Thompson? On season two in my Stranger Things rewatch. I thought I could knock it all out before season five, volume II drops but now I’m not so sure. As for Pretty Little Liars, barreling through season five. What an insane show. Nothing surprises me anymore in that universe. I highly recommend returning to the media you consumed as a teenager.

Bookmark: The Book of I by David Greig

Strange little book but I really enjoyed this one! It’s historical fiction which is unusual for me. After a Viking raid on a remote Scottish isle three survivors — a beekeeper, monk, and Norseman who was left behind — try to figure out what to do with each other. Short chapters, strong characters — perfect wintertime read.

Looking forward to: Lexington daytrip

Meeting up with Emily tomorrow. Much to say.

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Somebody said: “Now comes the long blue cold” by Mary Oliver

Goings on: Hiya, it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other last.

As I write this, the weather report is promising an early December snow for Friday. The idea of waking up to a world made fresh has me excited. I’m still finding the cold invigorating; the empty trees and darker days are easier to bear with the holidays near.

Mom and I took a day trip to Charlottesville a little over two weeks ago. We grabbed brekkie at our favorite bakery, Marie Bette, and did some shopping. Went to the farmer’s market one last time before the holidays and came home with some in-season veggies. Met with my poetry group, these workshops have been much needed motivation to return to some older poems. Saw Wicked: For Good in theaters with Mom!!! Reworked my bookshelves on a Saturday afternoon, making the everyday things new again. The morning after Thanksgiving, we went to the lot and chose our Christmas tree. We’ve yet to decorate the house but perhaps tomorrow’s snow will be the perfect backdrop for hanging garland, tying bows, and stringing lights.

In the kitchen: Pumpkin pecan crisp + buttermilk banana bread muffins

I’ve been waiting to make this pumpkin pecan crisp for WEEKS. Freakin’ amazing. The buttery, golden topping goes so well with the creamy, cozy pumpkin. The maple syrup in the sauce adds some depth to the whole thing, if you choose to make it. But you must enjoy the crisp warm from the oven with vanilla ice cream!!

Adapted the buttermilk banana bread recipe to make muffins. Added walnuts to some and chocolate chips to others. Cooked for about 30 minutes in the oven, made 12 muffins.

Headphones: Spotify wrapped

Kinda didn’t know what to expect with my Spotify wrapped this year — pleasantly surprised. “Boys in the Trees” by Carly Simon was my top song. Such a summertime, sitting alone by the pool in the evening sorta song for me. Most of my top songs were ones that I could listen to on a loop while writing, “Hole in a Frame” by Samia and “Mother’s Chair” by Ella Hunt, especially. HAIM’s I quit was my top album which also brings me back to summer but in more of a windows down, sunscreen on skin kinda way. I remember listening to this record all the way through again and again when it came out; lately I’ve loved exploring the additional songs on the deluxe. No skip albums seem to have been a theme for me this year. With Forever is a Feeling by Lucy Dacus coming in second, At the Beach in Every Life by Gigi Perez seizing third, and Virgin by Lorde taking fourth. When the album is created to be listened to in entirety, when the songs are in conversation with one another — that’s what I love. The Tortured Poets Department nabbed fifth place. I’m a major advocate for this album but this placement did surprise me until I remembered all the drives home from the gym I’ve spent belting “Guilty As Sin?”. Las Culturistas was my top podcast, because of course!!

Screentime: DWTS finale + Wicked: For Good + Stranger Things

Still not over the Dancing with the Stars finale. Happy that Robert Irwin + Whitney Carson won but Dylan Efron + Daniella Karagach and Jordan Chiles + Ezra Sosa were phenomenal in the finale! Very happy that this show took up space in my brain for several weeks.

Wicked: For Good was incredible. And heartbreaking!!! Oh but so good!! I’ve had both soundtracks on a loop after watching. What a moment in time.

Connor, Mom, and I watched the first volume of season five in like twenty-four hours. I thought it would be difficult to slip back into this show after last watching in 2022, but it wasn’t! Simultaneously terrified and eager for what’s next.

Bookmark: Spectacular Things by Beck Dorey-Stein

Spectacular gut-puncher. This book follows two sisters — how their mythology has led them to their present, sacrifices and all. The chapters are short but the writing is tight and visceral.

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Out of the five severed vines, only the roots of two began to puncture the stem’s swellings within a week of being cut. One didn’t take to the separation at all, the propagation’s vine turning brown and pulpy from sitting in water. Another quickly grew a thick, white fang of root from its stem, but took its time on the smaller branches beginning to extend down into the long-necked vase. And the final vine, a little over a month since being cut, is just now showing its baby teeth.

I’m always coming back here, to the green things that grow and follow predictable patterns. All these days watching roots come in, keeping these acts of nature close, feels so close to something I’ve done before.

An elementary school science project, brought home to my bedroom window. A sunflower seed in the fold of damp paper towels, tucked inside a ziploc bag for a makeshift greenhouse. Like eyes in the morning, the gray and dusk brown shell opened slowly. The first root stubbornly pushed through. A tender green shoot soon grew. That hard, protective shell was eventually shrugged off in a display of strength. The shoot scaled the sides of the gallon-size bag. Tentacle roots spread out in the plastic like a Rorschach ink blot. In place of the sprout, the silhouette of what the sunflower would become began to emerge. By then, I had held onto the science project long past any assignment due date. The plant had become a permanent fixture in my periphery; growing while my attention was turned to playdates, Webkinz adventures, trips to the library, and which ribbon I would put in my hair that day. It wasn’t until I had to throw the sunflower away that I was caught by how tall it had gotten — threatening to break the bag’s seal with its promise. A seedling still, but the flower it could become was undeniable.

While we both — plants and humans — undergo a biological cycle, the trees and flowers and ivy never seem to stagnate. I’m jealous of their definite trajectories. Free from emotions and attachments and wrong decisions, if all goes right the plant will become exactly what it’s supposed to become. Promise doesn’t exist in the gray area, a plant either will or it won’t. Any deviation in a houseplant’s life is likely human error; the same goes for trees that don’t grow to their true heights and flowers that fail to bloom. There’s pests and disease and climate change and greed — it’s very rarely the plant’s fault it failed to thrive. And if it is, well, no one goes up to place blame on its rotting body.

Limited by a plastic bag and ten-year-old caretaker, the sunflower seed still moved through its life stages. The future was set, only interrupted by an abrupt dumping in the side yard. I didn’t pause any longer than to mourn the sunflower that afternoon I tossed it out. Too occupied with existing to realize that those afternoons of playing pretend were running out.

The more I study the plants around me, the more I see. The vine turned lanky and sparse with leaves in its search for light can be the course of my life. There are all of these bumps along the vine, nodes that appear without promise to the glancing eye. With shears, a glass of water, and some risk-taking, new roots can come from the vine. For the one cutting that doesn’t take, four do. Each with roots taking different paths at different speeds. And just as the sunflower grew and grew in its place on the bedroom windowsill, I too was growing in that room. All of those little acts that pulled at my focus, all the ways we fill up our days, were leading me somewhere — I just couldn’t see at the time. Only when everything was well on its way did I look at that stretch of time as an ending making way for a beginning, another turn in the pattern. Maybe I’m closer to these acts of nature than I believed, maybe the lines between us run parallel.

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a dog-eared for every year I’ve been alive,

halfway to one year of Me & My Bad Art.

Somebody said: “Crepuscule” by E.E. Cummings

A poem I enjoyed reading and felt like sharing with you all.

Goings on: Poems published + dinner with Emily + cold weather

One of my poems, “Winner”, has been published in the latest volume of Antlers zine! I wrote “Winner” sometime around the 2024 Olympics, in the midst of a creative low. I remember grappling with this overwhelming sense of determination to stay the course and a massive wave of mind paralysis-inducing regret. I sent this initial version to lit mags for publishing but after a few rejections knocked my ego around, I tucked it away. Then, in late June, I was scrolling through the pages of “finished” poems I have on my computer and along came “Winner”. I began to play around with the spacing. To better convey the bite I felt while writing the piece, I created gaps within the lines to alter the pace and emphasize certain words. It’s a vicious and vulnerable little poem. I sent it to Antlers on a whim, unsure how the strange style would be received. I’m ecstatic that this poem has found a second home.

An ekphrastic poem I wrote, “Clementine”, was published in the anthology, Appalachian Holidays. “Clementine” into existence in about five minutes, during a gathering of writers I sometimes attend. That day a makeshift gallery had been assembled in the meeting space as part of the writing exercise we would be completing. On one wall was a photo of a peeled clementine in a forest, leaning against a tree trunk. That’s the image I chose to respond to as part of the exercise. Had I not been there that day, I would have never written “Clementine”.

A day late to post but in better spirits! Dinner with Emily last night brightened my week. Hold on to your friendships.

I wore my big coat and beanie the other day. The weather is closer to the season, which makes me feel better.

In the kitchen: Bonne Maman pumpkin pie + big salad + chocolate chip cookies

Saw Bonne Maman’s pumpkin pie filling at Fresh Market and had to try. Mixed the filling with an egg and 12oz of evaporated milk; was more runny than typical pumpkin pie so I had some overflow that made counter to oven transfer tricky. I enjoyed the taste, there was a creaminess to it reminiscent of cheesecake.

Used a navel orange infused olive oil and cranberry pear vinegar as dressing for a big salad one night. Mom has been insisting I try this combo in a salad for months — and she was right to do so, I love it. She bought the oil and vinegar at a speciality store in Abingdon back in March. I tossed feta, walnuts, apple slices, mandarin oranges, and red onion over some salad mix and it was delicious. I like my salads to have a lot of texture so it’s not just leaf in every bite. If you ever walk by a specialty olive oil and vinegar store, go inside.

Emily and I split a pizza and fries at dinner last night — girl dinner. I baked her chocolate chip cookies and she brought me sweet potato pie with a chocolate graham cracker crust!

Screentime: Dancing with the Stars + Pretty Little Liars

I must be honest with you all now, I have been watching this season of Dancing with the Stars. Absolutely obsessed. I cry during every Robert Irwin package — I was a massive Crocodile Hunter fan as a little kid. Also a big fan of Dylan Efron and Whitney Leavitt. Not ready for this season to end.

Rewatching Pretty Little Liars!!

Bookmark: The Wayfinder by Adam Johnson

Diving into this fascinating book, The Wayfinder. It’s hefty, about seven-hundred pages so I might be featuring it here for a while. The writing is rich and heavy; in just a few paragraphs after being introduced you learn a character so intimately. Almost two-hundred pages in and nervous to see what will unfold. Will keep you updated.

Looking forward to: Something sweet + new music + the weekend

Thinking about making something sweet in the next few days. Have some ricotta and gouda to experiment with as well. As I write, Kelsea Ballerini’s EP, Mount Pleasant, is playing through my headphones. Also have some new releases from Kevin Atwater, Sydney Ross Mitchell, Samia, & runo plum to listen to. This weekend will be for resting, watching movies (or Pretty Little Liars), reading The Wayfinder, and maybe starting some holiday making.

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Somebody said: “Night Bird” by Danusha Laméris

A poem for ya.

Goings on: Trick-or-treaters + Practical Magic + autumn leaves

On Halloween night, the front porch lights flickered on and trick-or-treaters knocked on our storm door for the first time in a long while. I strived to be the house with the best candy, offering up a bowl filled with crunch bars, snickers, twix, kit-kats, m&m’s, and more. Eight trick-or treaters came by; I had braced myself for two. The highlight was the little dinosaur rider sprinting across the front yard and squeezing their inflated costume against the side of the door.

Saturday was for Practical Magic. Mom and I watched together, while sipping strawberry margaritas.

Paying attention to the leaves. The deep red and bright yellow treetops. Some trees are still caught between the seasons, with burgundy crowns and dark green coats. Brilliant shades of orange all around. The rustle of decay underfoot. Each tree changes on its own time. How dainty the branches above appear as they undress for winter.

In the kitchen: Apple crisp + a bunch more

At last, I made an apple crisp. I followed a recipe from Sally’s Baking and used four Fuji apples, four Granny Smith. Since we’re not very picky over taking the skin off the apples, I just peeled half of them. This was heavenly!

Much of what I’ve been eating is very autumn-appropriate. Beans and soups and crunchy salads. Trying to eat more protein in the morning. Still cutting toast out of brekkie, too. You don’t want to read this, I’m just gonna skip to the pics.

Headphones: I quit by HAIM + Maggie Rogers’ “Study Tunes” playlist

I’ve been returning to HAIM’s latest release these past few days. Music-wise, I’m in the midst of a lull. Unsure of what to play and easily tiring of the songs I love. As she always does, Maggie Rogers has saved the day. Her “Study Tunes” playlist is jammed with ambient — no words, as I call it — songs that are new to me and some of my absolute favorites. When I listen to this collection of songs, curated by an artist I admire, the fibers that connect us tighten.

Screentime: Practical Magic + The Morning Show + podcasts

Isn’t the aunt’s house in Practical Magic the dream? The mysterious but welcoming Victorian felt both never-ending and cozy. And it had everything a girl could want: staircases upon staircases, soft yellow kitchen tiles framing a massive gas range, dark hardwood floors, the massive pantry, an attic with access to the roofwalk, the conservatory, a sprawling garden beside the ocean — I could go on and on. You just need to watch this movie.

The Morning Show season four is insane. Can’t quit it. Shoutout to serious goofy television.

Been putting on the video versions of podcasts lately. I don’t know why and I’m not crazy about it, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping me. Mike Birbiglia’s podcast, Working It Out, is something I’ve just gotten into — Jenny Slate’s episode was particularly noteworthy. Jeremy Allen White was on Table Manners recently; barriers drop or are at least a bit easier to scale when there’s food at the table and so the hosts, Jessie and Lennie Ware, are able to have different conversations with their guests than on other podcasts. Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett’s What’s Our Podcast is a fun one.

Bookmark: Sleep by Honor Jones

An absolute slammer. The book glides between a woman’s childhood and present-day reality as a divorced mother of two. She’s in suspension. Always noticing, aware of the dynamics in her family and how the light from a window consumes the room. For all of that observation, she’s trapped, reacting in slow-motion to a trauma that occurred when she was a girl. The language is taut and delicate. Material-wise it’s not an easy read, but there’s an urgency within the character that keeps me reading.

Looking forward to: Dinner with Emily + Jennifer Lawrence on Las Culuristas

Planning to get dinner with Emily next week, dinner with a dear friend can’t solve everything, but it does remedy most things.

Jennifer Lawrence was on this week’s episode of Las Cultch and I’m oh so excited to listen!!! Thinking about thinking about seeing her new movie, Die My Love, in theaters this weekend. It just feels like the kinda movie that’s right up my alley.

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I was torn between writing about art or writing about words for this missive, but when I skimmed the Poetry Foundation’s website and saw this piece the decision was made for me. Before you read, I feel like I ought to break down the basics of structure as a refresher for both of us. While I engage with these elements a ton in my own writing, I am apt to mislabel them or just follow my gut on the application. Remember, I am not an English teacher, just an English major.

Form vs Structure

Form is a particular style of poetry like free verse, sonnets, haikus, villanelles, and much more. To abide by a form one must work within the specific rules of the form. Haikus traditionally don’t rhyme and are built with three lines following a 5-7-5 syllable pattern. While free verse has no strict meter or rhyme scheme.

Structure is the arrangement of the poem’s elements. Here are a few questions to consider when looking at structure.

• Stanza organization — how do you move through the poem? Is it an uninterrupted block of text or are there gaps to denote stanzas? How are the stanzas set up on the page?

• Line breaks — what word ends the line? Does the end of the line mark the end of the thought or does the thought carry into the next line? What word starts the next line? How do the length of the lines create pacing?

• Spacing — what does the poem look like? Is white space being implemented? Are the lines indented within? Is space gapped or crushed? Does spacing change the pace? Is there a breathlessness to the piece?

• Rhythm — do the lines have a musicality to them? Is there a pattern to the stressed and unstressed syllables? When reading, does your voice catch onto the grooves in the language?

• Rhyme — are sounds repeated and playing off of each other? Do the end words of some lines carry the same sound? Are words within lines rhyming? Is there a scheme or pattern to follow?

These are just the bare bones of structure. You know it when you see it, you know it when you hear it. Read poems aloud: to yourself! to your dog! to the cat! to the flowers! with a whisper! with a shout! just read aloud!

While you might believe you are unable to catch these elements should you see them in the wild, if you have listened to music then I promise your spidey senses will tingle.

Onto the poem

The poet really experimented with structure, so in the first read through I focused on getting the lay of the land and read from left to right.

Obligations 2
Layli Long Soldier


                                                    As we

                                        embrace          resist

                          the future       the present      the past

             we work          we struggle          we begin          we fail
​
to understand       to find        to unbraid        to accept        to question
 
              the grief          the grief           the grief          the grief

                          we shift         we wield           we bury​

                                    into light               as ash

                                          across our faces

Source: Layli Long Soldier, “Obligations 2” from New Poets of Native Nations. Copyright © 2018 by Layli Long Soldier.

The poem is constructed to operate when read from left to right, just take every space between the words as a beat in a continuous movement of thought. Those spaces are not the size of a single spacebar tap so that’s how I knew they were intentional. On line 6, “the grief” is repeated in this movement. The repetition hammers in that inevitability of loss and how it’s processed. The speaker and the reader are caught on its axis, action is needed to reach the next line — which happens to contain all verbs. Catch the lack of punctuation, this is why I use “movement” to describe the piece. In my mind, as I read I see a ribbon falling; an uninterrupted unwinding.

You could read the poem from left to right and call it a day.

Or like me, you found yourself wanting to circle a word or grouping of words from each line. While the spacing can be seen as pacing, it reminded me of a multiple choice test — unlike school, there are no wrong answers or combinations here. Have you ever flipped through a choose your own adventure book? There were so many combinations and different outcomes you could try out and get a different ending. In this poem though, the beginning, the middle, and the end are the same. Pick at random. Alter one line at a time. Follow the slopes. Create a poem within the poem! However you read it, the first and final stanzas are the boundary lines and grief remains at the center.

My copy is marked up with all the different ways I read the piece. Credit to you if you can make sense of it.

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